What am I even doing?

What am I eve doing?

The journal that started it all.

For years I’ve kept a journal and would write in it whenever I felt the need to. This journal was the reason behind why I started this blog. The whole vision of what I wanted to do got pushed back slightly because I was in Italy. Writing about my travels and what I was doing there seemed like a “cooler” way to kick off my blog journey. However, now that the posts on my Italian adventures are coming to a close, I think it’s time to take this blog in a new direction, don’t you think?

I want is to get back to what I originally wanted to do. Write blog posts as if I was writing them for my journal. I’ve always had it in my mind that if all else failed, I could turn that journal into a sort of “Survival guide through life” type book (as if publishing a book would really be that easy).

However, I think it’s in the realm of possibility that I share some of those journal posts on here, cos boy, there are some corkers. There’s coverage on all areas. First love? Wrote that one down didn’t I. First heartbreak? Boy did that one take a few journal submissions. Fake friendships? Been there, written that. Basically, all important life events up til now have been written down.

Back to the beginning.

So why am I telling you all of this? Recently, I’ve found myself asking questions along the same lines as the one that made me start writing in the first place. You see back in March 2013, for my first journal “submission”, I asked myself the grand old question of “Who am I?” To quote myself:

“There are three words, change the order and they have two completely different meanings. First: Who I am. It’s a sentence of affirmation for someone who has found themselves and knows who they are. Second: Who am I? This sentence implies doubt and that somebody is lost and evidently doesn’t know who they are. I find myself falling into the second category.”

Wow, clearly 16-year-old me was going through it.

Today’s big questions.

The question I ask more now as a 21-year-old woman isn’t, “who am I?” as such, but more “what am I doing?”

Do you ever feel like you’re not where you’re supposed to be? I mean there’s a high chance that you have. Whether that be literally, say you entered the wrong building or maybe figuratively, like in this case, where you don’t really know what to do next.

In September I will be returning to Brighton to complete my final year of University and wow has this made my head spin. Right so here’s a question, do you actually feel the age that you are? Because I don’t. I really feel like I should be upwards of 25. In Turin, I was one of the youngest people there but mentally I felt like I was on the same maturity levels as them. And even now that I’m back in the UK, a lot of the people in my surroundings are older than me. This week, a lot of my friends graduated. Some will go off to do a Masters and some will start their careers. So given all of this, my mind is really struggling with the idea that I’m still a University student.

Well then, what do you want?

I know that these are supposed to be the years that will go by the fastest. I also know that I should appreciate them before I enter the working world because I have the rest of my life for that. But I just want to be there. But where is *there* Hayley? Thing is, I don’t know.

In all honesty, I have yet to figure out what I want to do with my life. Where for some people it’s so clear from a young age what they want to do, the career path that I “should” be on has always been a bit of a foggy one. Right now, my future career is under the marketing pillar. It’s creative and it’s fun. I’m thinking social media, writing, photography, flatlays and colours. If you happen to know any job that falls under that description, then let me know because I’m struggling to see what it is. 

So yeah, maybe I do really need this extra year to figure out what I want to be doing with my life and work out how I’m going to get “there”. But until then, this whole blogging thing is tickling my fancy.

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If you want me to create more rambling posts like this whenever I have a big life query then let me know. Also, if delving through my journal of teenage angst (don’t worry there are good bits too) seems interesting enough, throw a topic my way via Instagram,  cos I’m sure it’ll be in there.

Speaking of, in my 21 years of life, if there’s one thing I would honestly recommend is to write down as much as you can on all the things you experience, good and bad. By doing this, over the years you’ll be able to see how much you change even if you don’t think you have. 

Final note, how are we loving the new layout? This is all part of the great cunning plan of hayleywickens.com 2.0. There are lots of new things coming this way so keep your eyes peeled.

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